I saw a post this morning talking about the inner self. For some reason after reading those words it hit me that some people may not understand what that term means. It’s floated around the internet and in conversations freely these days but that doesn’t mean we all know what it means. Kind of like the term wellness. We know what it means until we have to explain it. Right?!
So, what is the inner self, really?
Alright, let’s dive right in. Our “inner self” is really just the part of ourselves that can’t be seen. Our feelings, intuition, thoughts, beliefs, values, fantasies, desires, purpose, wants, and needs.
We know we have this inner part of us, however we don’t always recognize it or value it as much as we do our “outer self” which is the self we present to the world.
Our inner self is our true nature. What we really think and feel, however we don’t always let others, or ourselves for that matter, see what’s really going on inside. We keep that tucked away fearing judgement or rejection and carefully curate the image we show to the world.
Does that mean the outer self is a lie? Well, maybe. But maybe not.
I still don’t get it.
Ok. Let’s use a pizza analogy. The crust is the foundation of the pizza. It’s what holds the rest of the pizza together, the sauce, the toppings, the cheese.
When ordering a pizza most people focus on the toppings. The “outer” layer of the pizza that can easily be seen. People usually make the determination on if they like the pizza or not by what toppings they see on it.
The foundation of the pizza, the crust, is like the “inner” layer. For the most part you can’t see it too well, but it’s the base of pizza, it’s what really holds the pizza together.
The crust offers stability and structure to the entire pizza. If the crust has big holes in it or is separated it’s not going to be a good foundation for the toppings. The outer layer.
Furthermore, it’s important to know what kind of crust you are working with so you can match up the toppings accordingly. You want your toppings to complement your crust. If you have a crust that is thin, you may not want to put a lot of heavy meat on the pizza as the foundation may not support it and the pizza will fall apart when you pick it up. Or perhaps your crust is really sweet, and you decide to put sauce and toppings that are full of intense spices that don’t work with the flavor of the crust.
In order for the pizza to be a really great pizza, the crust (inner layer) and the toppings (outer layer) should balance each other out in taste, texture, and foundational structure.
Of course, you’re much more complex than a pizza.
Many times, when we feel like something’s missing from our lives it’s because our inside doesn’t match our outside. When there’s a disconnect between what we feel inside (foundational feelings, beliefs, values, personal identity) and the actions we take. Perhaps you continue to date someone you don’t feel is treating you well but seems to be a good partner in other ways, so you justify the relationship. Or you stay in a job that makes you feel miserable all day every day because it pays a lot of money.
In these examples, you are choosing your outer self, over your inner self. When there is a disconnect between the inner self and the outer self, conflict arises. This conflict looks like stress, illness, and pain. Many times, instead of looking at the conflict from the inside out, we look at it from the outside in and try to solve these manifestations of conflict with external solutions like pills, alcohol, or drugs. A quick fix.
Of course, those things make the problems worse.
Making a really great pizza, I mean person.
We all want to feel confident and satisfied and have those deep feelings of purpose and fulfillment. The ONLY way to access those feelings is to make your outer self match up with your inner self. It MUST start from the inside. Understanding what your foundational values, needs, desires, and feelings are then aligning your work, relationships, and hobbies with what offers you those foundational feelings i.e. putting the toppings on that complement the crust.
Here are a few ways to connect the two:
- List your core values: Schedule a time to take a few moments to yourself. Grab a few pieces of paper or a notebook and a pen and go to a place that makes you feel calm; hop in the bathtub, cuddle up on the couch in a blanket, go into the woods, whatever feels good to you. Take a few moments to notice how you are feeling. Connect with those feelings of contentment. Ask yourself what makes you feel this way, what is important to you. Take out your paper and jot down what comes to mind. Your true core beliefs, how you want to feel, what is important to you. Not what you have been taught or what you think you should write, but whatever comes to mind.
- Recognize alignment and misalignment: Perhaps the same day, or a few days later, get back into that mind/body space that feels comfortable and jot down the activities you are currently doing that match up with your core beliefs, how you want to feel, etc. Also write down the activities you are engaging in that are not aligned.
- Align your inside and outside: Now that you are more aware of your inner self and outer self, you can start to do more things that align with those feelings and values that are important to you with the daily actions you take. Start small and work your way up. Don’t try to make big changes all at once. There is no reason rush. Baby steps are big steps.
Moving forward
I know I’ve made you hungry for pizza. I’m not sorry for that, pizza is awesome. So go get your favorite pizza. Select the perfect crust and toppings to match. And don’t forget to savor each bite of balanced goodness.
Until next time,