If you would have asked me a few years ago whether or not I wanted kids, I would have said, “I don’t know.” Honestly, I wanted a child more for my husband and my mom than myself. I never felt called to be a mother. I felt called to “save the world”, be in business, but motherhood was not an ambition.
When I was 35 I said to my husband of five years, “If we’re going to have kids, let’s go ahead and do it.” We’d talked about having kids before, but not much about timing (he’s six years younger, and a guy, so timing wasn’t really an issue for him). I felt like I was at a fork in the road, being in my mid-30s. Either I was going to have a child or pursue other goals.
During the time leading up to that, and for a bit afterwards, I was full of angst. Do I really want to do this? Will I regret it? Will this ruin our marriage? Will I resent the kid if I can’t continue to pursue my dreams? Will our child like my husband more than me? Can I handle the worry and anxiety I will feel as a parent? Will I like our baby? Will the child like animals (we had a Golden)?
I over-analyzed this decision for a long time.
Once I became pregnant, I was immediately protective of this person I didn’t know. I tried to eat better an follow the “rules”- I took it seriously. I felt great during my pregnancy, but I wasn’t relaxed. Actually, I’ve never felt stronger or more vulnerable than when I was pregnant. An interesting paradox.
10.5 months later, after 55 hours of labor and a c-section, we had a baby. I was immediately excited and wanted to do everything right, to give him the best start to life I could. Reading, researching, talking to other moms. Breastfeeding when I thought there was no way in hell I would ever do that because I was totally weirded out by it. This little person became my top priority in a way I couldn’t have imagined.
A few years later, I adore our son. He is fun, funny, interesting, curious, sweet, and interested in life. All of it. I can’t imagine our life without him, and looking back, I can’t believe I wasted so much time wondering about all of the negative outcomes. It’s my process, what can I say.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you grandmas, aunts, sisters, friends and, of course, moms. Motherhood is by far the best thing in my life that I never knew I wanted.
